#relationships archivos - The Resilient Human Project

Be right or happy?

When asked, “what’s more important, to be right or to be happy?” most people will reply, “to be happy of course”. But when we look at their behaviour we see that frequently, even over small stuff, they sacrifice their happiness in order to be right. A wonderful bit of advice I read some years ago was: “Don’t sweat the small stuff….and it’s all small stuff”. Sound advice for confinement living! The need of the ego to be right can be horrifically destructive in close relationships, especially when you are all confined within the same four walls as is the case for most of us right now. A useful perspective that…

Tricky People II

In our last newsletter we introduced the four gremlins – those roles tricky people take on – not just other people - ourselves too (sometimes): the blamer, the placator, the cold analyser type, the whirlwind. If the blamer gremlin takes you over, it is helpful to do the following: Express that you don’t agree without blaming others.Be aware of your fear and anxiety; don’t reject them, rather explore them with open curiosity. Give your point of view, but also see the bigger picture and express what you need. If you find yourself in placator mode, in order to find the courage to express your opinión, it can be of use:…

How to find the right partner – stop looking!

It is one of the most common reasons for coming to see us in Cantabria. “I am without a partner. I want to find the man/woman of my life.” Finding a partner and having children is hardwired into most of us. It can feel like a hunger or emptiness that we have to fill. “I still haven’t met anyone suitable and time is running out!” Our evolutionary mission is to survive and procreate. We are driven to make this happen. My experience is that this drive is usually stronger in women than men, although many men do experience something similar but usually later in life. When we are in this…

Tricky people

In the last retreat the subject of tricky, difficult people came up. There are people we get on well or relatively well with but with others it’s not so easy. This is no big deal if it’s a person we will probably never meet again in the future – for example, that driver who cuts us up. But if it’s with a work colleague or someone close, or worse still, an expartner… oof!... they can really topple our peace of mind. More problems in life are caused because we take offence than by others giving offence. When someone starts to unsettle you it can be useful to take heed of…

Relationships: enjoying yours whilst avoiding the pitfalls

Finding our “true love” and making a life with that person takes up an extraordinary amount of our time and energy. Here are 12 ideas to avoid making the most common mistakes: Most relationships end. So stop worrying and enjoy it here and now. You will at least take away great memories. If you waste your time worrying, you won’t even have those!Do not try to fix anyone… It is not in your power to do so. It will drive you and everyone else crazy. The question is this: Can you accept and be with that person just as they are right now?To be in a relationship is to be…

Nothing is permanent…not even our relationships

Nothing lasts forever; nothing is permanent and everything changes. That includes the people we love and our relationships with them. Life is a series of problems or lessons. If we solve a problem adequately, if we learn the lesson, we move on. The universe then sends us a new problem/lesson. If we don’t solve a problem or learn adequately the lesson, we become stuck and and/or have to repeat. Relationships follow the same rules. People appear in our lives in a similar way. We find ourselves with someone because we have a lesson to learn. When we have learnt the lesson, we can move on. Sometimes it is obvious…

Post Apocalyptic Love

Is your relationship toxic or healthy?

A frequent topic of conversation in our residential resilience trainings is that of relationships. Most people want to find a partner, someone with whom they can share their lives. Many have experienced disappointment in relationships. Some have experienced real suffering. Others have experienced unhealthy relationships in which, although they have felt unhappy and mistreated, they have felt unable to get out of. Perhaps one of the saddest aspects is when a relationship has ended and the person wants me to help them with some trick or strategy to get that other person, that relationship back. This is normally an indicator of an unhealthy relationship. In a conversation with my youngest…

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