#kindness archivos - The Resilient Human Project

Learning is uncomfortable

Learning is uncomfortable, growth is uncomfortable. Personal and emotional growth nearly always requires facing an uncomfortable feeling or emotion provoked by a perceived difficult situation. Unfortunately, when such uncomfortable emotions arise, our “autopilot” reaction is “get me out of here”. We might avoid feeling uncomfortable in the moment, but the long-term price or consequence include stunted emotional growth, unhappiness, difficulty in relationships, anxiety, panic attacks and even depression. Over time this instinctive aversion becomes automatic and occurs so quickly that we don’t even know it has happened. It becomes an invisible force driving our actions. We find ourselves repeatedly in an undesirable situation (eg toxic relationship, wrong job, same arguments…

Be kind

Great teachers have appeared throughout human history, and in many traditions − Christianity, Islam, Buddhism, Hinduism, Shintoism, Judaism. Their teachings, although given in different times and in different places, have things in common: kindness, gratitude, compassion, forgiveness and love. We are essentially hairless primates with strong egos and strong tribal instincts which distort these great teachings to create the basis for massive hierarchical organisations where politics, tribalism and appearances become more important than the original teachings. Followers try to make an even greater mystery of these teachers by creating a divine hagiography. Unscrupulous men and women will often use these organisations to their own benefit. There is no doubt that…

Fire, aim ready!

“Ready, aim, fire!” always works better than, “fire, aim, ready!” Want to know yourself? Then, adopt the right attitude. Years ago in a previous life, I was involved in a project for an insurance company. Its European communication network had started to behave in a random way − some pretty weird stuff. It was affecting their business. They asked my company to investigate the problem and recommend a fix. We found that a couple of years earlier there had been a problem with the network and a technician had quickly designed a software patch to fix it. It worked up to a point; but new problems arose and were fixed…

Anger is hell

Anger and its twin brother hatred are based on projections and exaggeration, not on objectivity or wisdom. Johnny was living in his own private hell, surrounded by people who just wouldn’t behave how they should. His need to be right was paramount. He was constantly frustrated that the world simply would not work the way it should. He was furious that people would not see him the way he wanted them to, the way they should. He often felt righteous in his anger and hatred. He couldn’t see that 'righteous hatred' is in the same category as 'righteous cancer' or 'righteous tuberculosis' − all utterly absurd concepts. The few friends…

Compassion is the key

When we practice mindfulness and/or meditation with an attitude of compassion − that is kindness to ourselves − we embark on a life-long voyage of discovery that is rewarding and immensely satisfying. If we don’t adopt this attitude, we run the risk of using meditation like a drug: getting a buzz, an escape from our lives, a way of momentarily feeling better. If this is all we seek, we will soon tire of our practice and find an excuse to stop. Compassion is not feeling sorry for someone; that is called pity. It is not “feeling” for someone; that is called empathy. Compassion is to recognise the suffering of another…

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Eyes wide-shut

At school we were taught that in AD 64 the emperor Nero played the violin or something similar as Rome burned. As a child I saw this story as the epitome of evil and depravity. As I grew older it became clear that the story also spoke of the human condition: “To occupy oneself with unimportant matters and neglect priorities during a crisis”. Also “Heedless and irresponsible behaviour in the midst of a crisis”. You don’t have to be a Claudian emperor to behave like Nero. Our genetic mission is to survive and pro-create. For this we need a sense of what we must protect and pass on. This is…

If it doesn’t work do something else

So much suffering is caused by not taking care of ourselves because we do not know how to be kind to ourselves. Most of our lives it is drummed into us that we should think of others first and that to think of oneself is selfish - which we must never be. However, unless we take care of ourselves we will sooner or later pay the price in our relationships, our health, our happiness and our sense of wellbeing. So the first step of taking care of ourselves is to learn to be kind to ourselves. When I first came across this idea of ”being kind to myself” I felt…

Gratitude brings happiness

It is not happiness which brings gratitude; It is gratitude which brings happiness. Amongst the practices and attitudes we can adopt and practice, gratitude is probably the most effective. It might, at first glance, seem soppy or religious. However, science has shown that grateful people are happier. If that isn’t enough, it also reduces harmful stress, improves your immune system, improves your sense of wellbeing, improves relationships, improves quality of sleep and heart health. I have often mentioned the two (principal) parts of the mind: The Rational Mind (ie the “voice” in our head – that constant flow of thoughts) and the Observing Mind – that part of the mind…

Two things that will really make a difference in your life

Two things that will really make a difference in your life: The ability to be kind to yourself. The ability to identify and be with uncomfortable feelings and emotions. Being hard on ourselves, harsh self-criticism are often the tools that we use to be “good”; to push ourselves, to make sure that we do what we ought to do, be the people that we ought to be. The basis of this way of being is fear; fear that if we stop, we will become somehow unworthy ~ a failure. This becomes most apparent when we want to “fix” something we believe is “wrong” about ourselves; some habitual behaviour that we…

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