I should feel different to how I feel

Feelings are not problems to be solved. It’s best to be present to fully experience and understand what you actually feel, before reacting.

 

“I should feel different to how I feel”. That belief is the root of so much unhappiness.

That deeply distorted perception about what feelings mean is the cause of so much unhappiness.  The belief that I am talking about is that if I don’t feel how I believe or expect to feel, then that is a problem. From that arises the belief that feelings are problems to be solved especially the “bad feelings”.  They are not.

Using our rational mind (our problem solver…for problems in the physical world) is about as useful as a chocolate teapot; we simply make things worse.

For example, have you ever decided that you must better control your anger, to not get so angry, then inevitably when you did get angry (as do all humans),  you then got angry with yourself for getting angry? You create even more anger even though your intention was to get less angry.

Or perhaps you realised that you were beating yourself up too much, so you took a decision to stop beating yourself up. When inevitably you catch yourself once again beating yourself up, you start beating yourself up over beating yourself up! You create even more beating up though your intention was to stop beating yourself up.

This happens only when we try to “problem-solve” our feelings. It would be comical if it weren’t so tragic.

The feelings you have in any moment are the result of the sum of your upbringing, traumas, events, beliefs and circumstances. So how could you feel any other way in that moment?

Your job is not to solve the problem of how you feel or should feel, rather it is to be present to fully experience and understand what you actually feel, ideally before reacting.

As the Oracle said to Neo in “The Matrix”:

“You are not here to make a choice; you already made it. You are here to understand why you made that choice”.

Translating that into action, what should we do? Firstly, understand that feelings are not problems to be solved but rather they bodily sensations are that we experience. We take full responsibility for how we feel (instead of blaming another) and we just allow ourselves to be with them.

We explore and observe with open curiosity, with kindness to ourselves and a light touch of humour.

When we connect with the hidden feelings that drive our perceptions and behaviour, we make them visible and diminish their power over our lives.

Peace health and happiness from Cóo, Cantabria

 

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