• Loving someone who does not return those feelings
• Yearning for someone who is not available (emotionally or physically)
• Mutual attraction between people who are both in other relationships
• Desire for an ex after a relationship has ended
Parents have their own problems, distortions, traumas and neuroses. This sometimes means that they simply are unable to meet the needs of their children. A child who experiences this will probably grow up desperately seeking love, attention and validation. The child (and later adult) grows up with a sense of emotional craving and hunger. Physically it is usually experienced as a painful sometimes empty feeling, which in turn, creates a sense of low self-esteem.
As an adult this is painful. If you find yourself in relationships with people who reject you, who hurt you, then it is very likely that you are unconsciously seeking out relationships in which you keep replaying this hurtful, harmful toxic childhood game. The feeling of pain and emptiness arises out of a lack of self-love.
You are probably attracted to “unrequited love” to try and prove your self-worth by trying to become the person you believe that the other will love. You have this hope (which started in childhood) that the depth of your love can change how the other person feels about you. You also know intuitively that this simply isn’t going to happen.
Rationally, you may even recognise that this relationship is unhealthy, but feel unable to end it. It is what you are used to; you are “comfortable” with it − not happy, but “comfortable” − as it is the role you have played for so much of your life. At least you know what to do.
Moving out of this can be done. It is a process to find, accept and love yourself. Learn to champion the abandoned “child” you carry within you.
Love does not have to be chaotic, confusing, painful; something for which you have to sacrifice your dreams or yourself. Loving behaviour does not grind you down, smash your self-esteem, nor make you feel crazy. Love feels good; it nourishes your emotional wellbeing. You feel accepted for who you are, cared for, valued and most importantly respected.
Genuine love creates feelings of warmth, safety, stability and a certain peace in your heart.
Your capacity to be in a healthy loving relationship is dependent on your ability to love yourself.
